I had a real epiphany today (another one I know). I am home for two weeks for Christmas break and I am trying to declutter a lot. We are moving a wall in Jack's room to create some more space in my Polly Pocket house. I got rid of four big bags of stuff and a box of all my old scrabpooking books and magazines. It's all on the internet now if I go crazy with it now.
While I was going through papers I found a lot of old stuff, old papers and talks. The talks were very interesting. I also found the kids birth parent papers and reread them. Jack's birthmom was in labor for 72 hours and Lauren's delivered with no epidural. Crazy! I love those woment! They both come from very thin families too, families with men who are 6 feet tall and 140 lbs.
I also found a bunch of old papers from when we were in college and I looked through law school papers and remembered quite a few of them. The scrapbooks were in the closet too and after looking through them I got really angry. We were happy, extremely happy. Smiling people on every page doing loving and kind things for one another. I was writing down everything the kids said and keeping track of their development and friendships.
After doing this I drove to the dentist to get my Christmas present, a new crown. While driving up I was thinking how when people ask me how I am and I always say "busy". It hit me like a ton of bricks that my dentist will go home today and he will have a clean house and food on his table because he has a wife who is doing her part and he is doing his part. I have to do both parts. I think I just have gotten in the swing of doing it all that I have forgotten that I am being two people. I take care of the car, plumbing, yard, repairs, painting, broken doorknobs, appliances and everything else on top of working a full time+ job. Then I go home and do the "mom" things I used to do. Keep the house clean, organize, plan activities for my kids, keep them registered in activities they want to do, do all the shopping and food preparation and cleanup, laundry, laundry, laundry. Homework for them is another total matter.
I used to make crafts with the kids as part of our family tradition. Today the kids are inviting a friend over to play and do crafts and try to get a little of that back. Now that I have a couple days off I am doing the things that are way on the bottom of the list, paint the headboard, sweep the garage, get myself and the kids into see the doctors and dentists. Sometimes it feels like it is never ending. I wish my family and kids were the only thing I had to worry about again.
I've learned a lot these last few years. One I'm still working on is giving myself a little grace and not beating up on myself. It is so easy to compare myself to others who have lives so different from my own. I get so frustrated that nothing is ever done and that things that used to be so simple are so incredibly difficult now. Why can't I get dinner on the table or the laundry done? Because I'm doing it all alone. Well I'm not really alone. I have been lifted up and carried through much of this and I have a Father in Heaven who loves me and cares for me and my children. We are loved and that's what counts. All these things are working together for my good and the spritit is helping my infirmaties.
Romans 8 - 16 The Spirit itself beareth a with our b, that we are the c of God:
28 And we know that all things work together for a to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
35 Who shall separate us from the a of Christ? shall b, or distress, or c, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
37 Nay, in all these things we are a than b through him that loved us.