Did you hear that Viagra doesn't work on lawyers?
Yea, it just makes them all taller.
Two men were riding on a train. They both bought bananas from the snack cart. The first man bit into his banana and then the train went into a tunnel. The first man said to the second man, "Did you take a bite of your banana yet?". "No...why" said the second man. The first man replied "Don't! I just bit into mine and went blind!"
The meek shall inherit the earth ... if that's ok with the rest of you
A man meets this beautiful woman and marries her, but on their wedding night he sees her bare feet for the first time and notices she only has four toes on each foot, and he divorces her the very next day. Turns out he was lack-toes intolerant....
Q.-How do you kill a circus?
A.-You go for the juggler.
Two old timers were sitting on a porch, while some old huntin' dogs were out in the yard. When one dog started licking himself, one old timer said with a smirk "I wish I could do that!" The other exclaimed "That dog would bite you!"
Ann goes out of town and leaves her cat with her sister, June, to take care of. While she's gone, she gives June a call to see how things are going. So she asks how her cat is, and June's response is that the cat has died.
Ann: "That is harsh news - why didn't you break it to me gently. The first time I ask, you could say, 'The cat's on the roof and she won't come down'. Then when I call again, you could say, 'She's at the edge of the roof and still won't come down'. Then when I call a third time, you can tell me that she's died."
June: "Okay, I'll do that."
Ann: "So, how's mom?"
June: "Mom's on the roof and she won't come down."
Q: What's the difference between marriage and death?
A: When you're dead, you don't wish that you were married.
An athiest and an agnostic got married and they couldn't decide which religion not to raise their children in.
WARM MILK
In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, he nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."
She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: "Don't sell that cow."
A woman came home, squealing her tires as she turned into the driveway and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted; "Honey, pack your bags. I won the Mega Millions lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
Marriage is like a deck of cards. It starts off with two Hearts and a Diamond and ends up wishing you had a Club and a Spade.
Someone suddenly opens the door to the train compartment, and asks the passengers therein anxiously:
"Please, is there a Catholic priest here?!"
They shake their heads no.
"Well then, is there an Episcopal priest here?"
Again, a negative response. But one of the passangers replies:
"I am a Baptist minister, if that is any help..."
The person at the compartment door replies:
"No, that won't do. We need a corkscrew!"
When Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans, the flood waters covered the yard of a Baptist minister's home. A man in a rowboat came by and said, "Get in, Preacher. I'll take you to the shelter." The preacher said, "No, thanks. If I need any help, The Lord will take care of me." Hours later, the water rose further and covered the ground floor of his house. Another rowboat arrived, "Come on, I'll take you higher ground." The preacher again replied, "No, thanks. If I need any help, The Lord will take care of me." Several hours later, the water had risen to the point where only the roof of the house was visible, and the preacher was standing on the roof. A helicopter hovered over the house and dropped a rope ladder. The pilot said through a megaphone, "Let's go, Preacher. I can you take you to higher ground." Once again the preacher replied, "No, thanks. If I need any help, the Lord will take care of me." The water continued to rise and the preacher drowned. He got to the Pearly Gates and St. Peter said, "This is not your time to be here. Why are you here now?" The preacher told him about the storm and the flood and St. Peter asked, "Did anyone offer you assistance?". The preacher replied, "Well, a few people offered to help, but I told them that if I needed any help, the Lord would take care of me." St. Peter then said, "My son, we sent you two rowboats and a helicopter. What were you expecting?"
Wife standing naked in front of the mirror says to her husband, " I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment." The husband tells her, " Your eyesight's perfect."
My wife says being married to me is like being on vacation. Well she didn't say it exactly like that, she said when we got married she had reservations but I was her last resort.
How Faiths Fight Fires
Recently, just as an ecumenical gathering was commencing, a secretary rushed in shouting, “The building is on fire!”
The Methodists gathered in a corner and prayed.
The Baptists cried, “Where is the water?”
The Quakers quietly praised God for blessings that fire brings.
The Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring that fire was evil.
The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage.
The Jews posted symbols on the doors hoping the fire
would pass.
The Congregationalists shouted, “Every man for himself.”
The Fundamentalists proclaimed, “It’s the vengeance of God!”
The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out.
The Christian Scientists concluded that the fire would burn itself out.
The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson, who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.
The Unity Students proclaimed the fire had no power over them.
Some atheists in attendance didn’t believe there was a fire.
The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put out the fire.
AND The Mormons, having arrived fifteen minutes late, missed the fire completely!
THE AGNOSTIC DYSLEXIC INSOMNIAC: SOMEONE WHO STAYS UP ALL NIGHT WONDERING IF THERE IS A DOG!
The doctor, lawyer and minister were called to the dying miser's bedside. The miser said, "I'm going to take it all with me - I have $90,000 cash. There's $30,000 for each one of you. Just before they fill in my grave, put the cash in the hole with me and that way no one will get it!"
The miser died the next week and the 3 men did as he wished. After the funeral they went out for coffee. The doctor said, "I have a confession to make. I had a malpractice suit this week, so I kept $10,000 out to pay for it." The lawyer said, "I have a confession, too. I paid for a new boat, so I only put in $10,000 and kept $20,000 for myself."
The minister was appalled. "I'll have you know that I put in my PERSONAL CHECK for the full amount!"
A leader of the Jewish community contracted smallpox and was in serious condition. He called for the Catholic priest to come visit. The priest was somewhat flattered and asked him why he did not call the rabbi. He said, "I didn't want the Rabbi to get smallpox".
Why did my wife cross the road?
To get all up in the chicken's business.
What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common? Either way someone is losing a trailer.
A man is talking to God one day. He asks, "Hey God, how much is a million dollars to You?"
God replies, "Oh, about a penny." The man thinks about this and then asks, "God, how long is a million years to you?" God replies, "Oh, about a minute." The man thinks this over and suddenly gets a bright idea: "Hey God - can I borrow a penny?" And God replies "Sure - just a minute."
