This hellish year is almost done for me. That being the year that started when my husband dropped his load of poo on me and moved out 10 days later. This year has sucked, it's been horrible and difficult. It's been enlightening, freeing and wonderful. I've had more problems than every other year of my life put together. I lost my best friend and lover, had to start not only sleeping alone but actually being alone in my home for the first time ever, I had to let my children leave me for days on end, I had to deal with being compared to someone I really don't think much of. I've had to give up on getting an apology. I have learned to appreciate pizza and a dvd with my kids and slumber party in my bed with them. I've had to forgive when I don't want to. My dishwasher was broken for six months and I had to do my dishes by hand when it was the last thing I had time or energy to do. I had to start working full time, I had to send my children to safekey or day care or beg friends to watch them. I've learned to put first things first. I've had friends fix my car, trim my trees, fix my sprinklers, hang and take down my Christmas lights. I spent a week under a six foot shrub trying to get out 10 years of dead leaves to clear out the drip line (I was determined on this one), I dug up the rest of my drip line, I painted the inside of most of my house, I made three quilts and a variety of table runners so I wouldn't go nutty. I slept 18 hours a day for a while and now I'm sleeping five. I decided it was ok to take care of me and my kids before other people for a while now and gave up being guilty about that. I declared bankrupcy on debts I didn't even know I had, I had to explain to old friends why there were only 3 of us in the Christmas card. I started writing in my journal. I've had my parents here more than ever and have loved it and they have fixed every item in my home for me. I started being self conscious about doing things without a husband when it never bothered me before when he was wasn't there. I listened to my kids cry and had no answers for them. I cried every day, then 5 times a week and now it's only about once a week. I went back to college after 18 years, I had my 18th wedding anniversary alone while my husband spent it with someone else. I've microwaved more meals than I'd like to admit while learning how to make homemade bread, from wheat that is! I've learned to hate lawyers and everything associated with the law when I used to defend them. I took wonderful, cheap vacations with my kids. I dealt with problems that would have knocked me to my knees a couple years ago. I did Christmas Eve by myself and put all the presents out alone including setting up a video machine (ARGH!) and had the best Christmas of my life with my kids. I quit censuring myself on religious topics and openly prayed with my children, I looked forward to church but then finally understood how people go inactive when they have a hard time instead of embracing the church. I learned to appreciate my dog and the fact there is someone there for me when I come home even if my kids are elsewhere. I went four days with no power in my bathrooms because I couldn't figure out what to do. I made new friends with people who stepped up and were there for me, I cried that some friends and family didn't. I bounced checks for the first time in 25 years. I went to an awesome family reunion and traveled with my folks. I worried that my parents are still worrying about their 40 something daughter. I hid the truth from my children and defended people I didn't want to defend to make my kids' lives easier. I dropped my children off places I didn't want to leave them. I got presents every day for a month at Christmas time from people who love me. I looked through tons of family albums and read old letters and cried some more. I lost 15 lbs and gained most of it back. I started seeing a counselor and look forward to that appointment every month as much as any. I got home teachers who love my children as much as my family does and who have stepped in countless times when we needed someone. I got a visting teacher who visits me and checks on me at least once a week and who really loves me. I cancelled most of my cable and quit doing things that cost money. I tried to count my blessings when all I wanted to do was curse. I had my second grade students ask me why I was divorced and then listen to them speculate on what had happened and even hit the nail on the head. I got sick more times than I have in the last ten years. I got more flowers from friends than I have in my entire life combined. I have had more friends tell me the same thing happened to them and I never knew it, and I've had COUNTLESS friends file for divorce this year also. Every part of my car has broken down and I have determined it hates me. My car was broken in to and I had an attempted break in at my home where I saw the intruder face to face and had to deal with the helicopters, police and police dogs. I slept away from my home because I was afraid to be home but I came right back the next day so my children wouldn't be scared. I went to the temple more than I ever have in spite of being busier than I ever have. I made elaborate Halloween costumes for the kids and I and we had the best Halloween ever according to Jackson. I got rid of stuff that just made me cry or hurt. I quit volunteering because I have no time and I feel horrible for it. I felt so sad I vomited. I put the Christmas tree up 3 weeks earlier than I ever have and left it up longer. I became the coupon queen and became even cheaper than I ever was, I ventured into Savers and Salvation Army instead of staying just at my favorite Goodwill. I got my food storage going really well and reorganized a bunch of stuff in my house. I had even crazier dreams than I have had for my entire life and I have had fun interpreting them and seeing how right on these interpretations were for me. I got love notes from students and have kindergartners who still hug me every time they see me. I did a 5k and started taking spin classes which have now gone away since I have no time with working full time and being a full time student. I have become proud to be a student again at 43. I think I have made the right decision to be a teacher and I feel I'm pretty good at it. I have worked on a divorce that has taken a year now and which will hopefully be done in the next two weeks.
I can't wait to add that one to my list.
Nikole - your post made me cry and truly feel the struggles that you faced this past year. As you may or may not know I went through a divorce last year too and my life was tossed upside down, sideways, and more! I completely empathize with you. Know that you will be a better, stronger, more beautiful, amazing person when this is all done. He did not deserve you - YOU are one of the most amazing people I have ever met. The things you do for others, the love you have for your children, your creativity, your craftiness, your diligence, and your faith. YOU impress me! I am here for you when ever you may need it - your will always ROCK in my book LOVE YA! Lisa Tenbrink
Posted by: Lisa | July 08, 2009 at 01:18 PM